December - A Re-introduction

I promise my posts will not be such personal rants as this will be. I like babies, babywearing, hippie stuff, homeschooling, crochet, and well general awesomeness. Those that know me know that the past 6 months have been a difficult time. In fact typing out "difficult time" doesn't seem to do it justice. Now. Now it is December. There's always been something about December that makes me want to stop and refocus my life; I guess I get that New Year's resolution bug earlier then most. This December it wasn't really optional though, this December it was time for a new slate. After attempting to get back to "my life" after Elias in June it took a long hard slap in the face to realize that just wasn't in the cards. So December is the month of change. It time to start over, move on, and be joyous. And yet again this starts with food and another Whole30. I have a couple things that I have been putting on the back burner for a long time that I am finally able to focus on. So in short: Let's get ready for 2015.

EDD's: the Hope and Pain

My 2nd son is a quiet small sweet child. He just turned 4, loves sleep, and rarely rarely does his voice go above what people would call an inside voice. He is an amazing blessing to our family (as are all of our children) and we are grateful for every moment he's here. 

When I was pregnant with him I suffered from HELLP that presented as only severe migraines until my 3rd trimester. To make a long story short I ended up admitted to the hospital with him at 33 weeks 0 days and they were unable to get my blood pressure down after several attempts and my husband was told it was deliver him then or I wouldn't make it. He was born by emergency cesarean weighing 3 lbs 5 oz. He was whisked away surrounded by hospital people and I didn't get to even see him until he was more then 24 hours old.

When you're released from the hospital after having a baby it's supposed to be a joyous occasion. Getting the carseat in for the first time, finally getting to use all those teeny tiny baby clothes you washed, hung up, and stared at for weeks before. When you're released from the hospital weeks before your child there is nothing but pain in those items and emptiness in your home. 

I held on hope. Hope to what they tell most NICU parents: "babies usually come home around their due date". All I had to do was hold on and wait and wait for that magical day on the calendar and I'd finally get to take my baby home with us. 

And that day finally came! It was a long journey to there and up until recently the most painful thing I've ever walked through. But he came home! Him and his very very tiny self. 

When we found out our fourth son no longer had a heartbeat and and was delivered at a little under 18 weeks. That due date... That useless number you're given when the egg timer of pregnancy goes off and your "done"... Well it became more of an endless source of pain. Instead of being the day our baby should come home by; it is the day our baby should have been here but wasn't. There's no hope in numbers and dates.  

This is where I'd insert my ultra picture or some evidence that my son existed but I have none. There is nothing but the pain and emptiness of this day. 

Non birth story.

On Tuesday June 12th I went into my midwife's office for my normal monthly check up (I had my 7 year old with me because he wanted to hear the baby) and she was unable to find a heart beat. It was after 5pm so I needed to go to the hospital quick before the people that could get me into get a sono closed. My midwife called the people and confirmed they would get me in as soon as I got there. 

So off to the hospital I went with my 7 year old. Upon getting to the hospital they told me that I'd have to call and make an appointment tomorrow when the dept that handles the sonos are open. The midwife was able to track someone down to get me in and I was take back to get a sono at about 6pm alone with my 7 year old (who I gave my phone to play with). At no point in the sono did I get to see the baby the screen was faced away from me the entire time and then the tech said she had to call the midwife to confirm the readings. 

This was the last contact I had with my midwife. She informed me over the sono tech's phone that the tech found no heart beat and the baby had passed. I was 17 weeks and 2 days. The tech told me to go to the ER where I was lucky enough to have some friends that had come up to the hospital waiting room with me and I decided to wait for my husband before going back into the ER. 

A friend picked up my husband and children as I had the car with the car seats. And we were checked into the ER where they did labs and placed an IV. The on call OB was called to come and talk to me about what my options were to "void my uterus." 

When the OB arrived after an hour or so I was given the option to either induce labor or to go to an abortion clinic. At the time I was unable to make any decision and just wanted to go home. I was released from the ER at approx 11pm that evening (the OB said I only had a day to decide and I needed to come back). My husband dropped me off at home and went and picked up our children.

I spent that entire day in bed unable to function... Trying to spend what little time I had left with my baby. We decided to induce labor and we went to the hospital at 7pm Wednesday evening. There was a lot of check in paper work and ID checking, etc. but all I remember is signing a bunch of paperworks that I was checking into the hospital for "fetal demise." At one point the woman that was checking me in asked her coworker how to spell demise. I tried to close my eyes and ignore them. 

At approx 8:30 that evening they placed cyotec and we waited. I listened to music and tried to pretend this wasn't happening. 

At approx 11pm I had to go to the restroom and upon sitting up I felt what I thought was my water breaking. Quickly though blood gushed every where over me and the floor. The nurse came in and the blood just kept coming it was soaking through the pads and towels as soon as he placed them. So she called the OB come into the hospital. 

I don't remember how long it took for the OB to show but in that time the nurse tried to see how dilated I was wand couldn't because there was too much blood and clots. The OB showed up with her practice partner and it took them several times to get through the blood and clots to feel that my waters were still in tact and at that point they decided that I needed to go into surgery. 

When I woke up from surgery I was alone. This is the feeling I'll always remember every time I wake up. 

Creamy Avocado Dressing

Ingredients:

2 small avocados 

Juice of one lime

1/4 cup of liquid coconut oil (if it's solid met in a pan on the stove) 

1/2 can of coconut milk (combined)

3 tablespoons apple cider vinegar 

2 tablespoons minced garlic (I really like garlic so keep this in mind!) 

Salt and pepper to taste

Place 2 small avocados in food processor or blender, add like juice and coconut oil and blend until smooth.

Add apple cider vinegar, coconut milk, and spices. Blend until smooth. Taste and add more salt/pepper/garlic to your liking. 

Be a good hippy and store in a mason jar ;) (mine are blue so the color is a little off) in the fridge. 

Dear Children, be true.

Why is it important that we teach our children to be true to themselves? 

I believe we are fearfully and wonderfully made. What that means to me is that God has made us completely unique to be used in a unique way to serve Him. Within us as children is a spirit, an essence, that God has given us, a pull towards him and a unique and beautiful personality. I think sometimes as adults in an effort to "protect" our children from the cruel, harsh world we try to make them fit into the nice happy acceptable box that society approves of. In doing so I think we are losing part of the beauty that is our children or making it more difficult to grow to love themselves as God does.

I believe as a parent I am here to guide my children to find themselves in The Lord, and as much as I want to be their protector from "the world" that's not my job it's God's.

Pslams 31(Amp):

19 Oh, how great is Your goodness, which You have laid up for those who fear, revere, and worship You, goodness which You have wrought for those who trust and take refuge in You before the sons of men!

20 In the secret place of Your presence You hide them from the plots of men; You keep them secretly in Your pavilion from the strife of tongues.

If we teach our children to change themselves or not speak their heart for fear of bullying or prosecution... The world not only wins, but we have taught them to place their valve in the thoughts and actions of men (of this world) instead of finding their value in the Love of our Lord. 

So you're frustrated, sweaty, and on the verge of tears?

- Some little tips on learning back carries

Tip 1: NO BABY JEANS!
Yes baby jeans are OMG IM DYING ADBORBS! but they have zero give which makes getting that nice "M" position and a deep seat hard esp if you're a new back wrapper.

Tip 2: Feetie PJs once size too big If you feel your child needs to wear feetie PJs only wrap in ones with PLENTY of feet room! When making the seat in a wrap job it takes some of the material in the pants and it can squish their toes or cause issues with you being able to get a good seat because the fabric is too taunt on the PJs. If you aren't addicted to feeties skip them and opt for leggings and socks ;)

Tip 3: Just do it naked! Learning to back wrap has a serious learning curve by itself if at all possible when learning do it at home and with minimal clothing in the way (for both you and your baby). For more info on this go to thebabywearer.com and look for the naked double hammock thread ;)

Tip 4: Both rails matter! When making your seat I know we all always focus on that top rail being snug! But the bottom rail being loose is just as important so that it's free to have the width to get it nice and deep seat. (see video at the bottom).

Tip 5: Start simple Focus on getting comfortable before you start trying to do the world's most complex 20 step carries. If you're terrified of how you're going to get your baby on and off your back? Just do that! When I first started back wrapping I practiced that first. Explore all your "getting baby back there" options and try them out and see what works for you! Get comfortable.

Tip 6: Distraction! If your baby is a little bigger and frustrated with how long you're taking to learn your new skill give them something MAGICAL! something they aren't usually supposed to play with ;) suggestions your phone, the TV remote, and maybe even bribing with food (this is much cleaner if you're following tip 3).

Tip 7: Mirror mirror This will differ with people but some people really are helped by being in front of a mirror when wrapping so they can see what they are doing. Other people may find this more difficult and prefer to feel what they are doing instead.

Tip 8: NO TOUCHING! If you have a spotter ask them not to touch the wrap unless you know you're about to drop the baby (have a code word lol).

Here is a video for a visual aid (sorry for the sake of your eyes I am clothed ;) ):

In case you were confused. A toy buying guide brought to you by Target.

Have you ever walked in to the toy section and felt just so very overwhelmed with all the options? How on earth am I to know what to purchase? Well Target hears you and is here to help!

What you need to know:
1) The age of the child you are buying for
2) The sex of the child you are buying for
3) No personal likes or preferences needed!

Are you buying for a child under the age of 3? You're in luck! For this age group the sex of the child does not matter you may pick a toy you think the child will enjoy from either of the yellow backed aisles. Feel free to browse and choose based on the child's likes or developmental level.

Buying for a child over the age of 3?
Now this is where people were confused! Target has made your life easier by color coding the toy aisles based on the sex of the child you're buying for!

If you're buying for a girl you can buy from any of the pink backed aisles. With all the lovely selections like Barbies, dolls, and those lovely new "girl Lego" kits called something like "Lego Friends" (be warned though if the child you are buying for has had confused gifters before that didn't have this lovely system Target has provided and got boy Legos these girl Legos WILL NOT FIT! How it should be of course! Boy and girl toys should not mix!).

Now on your boy aisles you'll have the lovely blue backed shelves with everything a boy would ever want! Like regular Legos, action figures, toy cars (you know cause girls shouldn't drive so we shouldn't let our daughters play with these! Smart move), and other various mucho stuff. These aisles will keep you safe from any unfortunate gifting blunders like accidentally encouraging nurturing fathering actions or God forbid encouraging a boy to want to cook or become a chef (come on that's a female dominated career!).

Now if you feel you've mastered gift buying you may venture into the arts and crafts section back in green. But BE WARNED! this is not for the toy shopping novice! There are no signs here to keep you from buying a friendship bracelet kit for a boy! Be careful!